I posted something to Facebook 5 years ago when a friend was dealing with a death in the family and just came across it, ironically, two days after a death in our family. I am not reposting it to shame anyone, or guilt anyone, because we have been the recipients of an outpouring of love, care, and practical support; I just think that it is a timely reminder for us all. I have edited and updated the original post today.
When a friend has experienced a death in the family. Most of us will say something like, “Oh, I am so sorry… let me know if I can do anything.” The reality is, they probably do need something, but they are unlikely to let you know. It feels awkward and needy. It feels pushy. It feels presumptuous.
Let me suggest that — instead of asking — you just DO something.
• Drop off a ready-to-serve (or ready-to freeze) meal in containers that will not have to be washed and returned. (Or set up a Meal Train for your friends, church, or community to show support.)
• If they have young children, offer to babysit so the adults can take care of business. Take them to a kids’ movie, their favorite fast-food restaurant, or anywhere that will happily occupy them for a few hours.
• If you’re a REALLY close friend (close in proximity and relationship) call/text first, then drop by to do the dishes, the laundry, or some nuisance errand that needs to be done.
• Show up. Sit with them, cry with them, and learn the power of the ministry of presence.
• Text encouragement often, but don’t expect a timely reply.
• Pray. Morning, noon, and night. Pray.
• Wait about a week after the Memorial Service, when most everyone seems to have moved on and returned to their normal routine; believe me, the grieving family will NOT have returned to their normal routine, because there will be a new normal. Keep praying, keep texting, keep loving.
Drop back to bullet point #1 and repeat. My expertise in this area is largely the result of failure on my part. These are the things I SHOULD have done, but failed to do, when friends suffered a family loss.
Don’t repeat my mistakes. Please.
/end-rant