I am, I think (I hope) a nice guy. My self-perception is that I am approachable, fairly easy-going and easy to be around. Self-perceptions can be flawed, I realize, so maybe it is just me, but I don’t think so.
In talking to a lot of other pastors and ministry leaders I have come to believe that, sadly, leadership can often lead to loneliness. The cliché is “It’s lonely at the top.”
Don’t get me wrong; I have some friends… some very good friends. But I have also experienced the disappointment and confusion of having friends — even long-time, close friends — abandon me, keep me at arms length, or outright dismiss me. My experience is more common than one might imagine.
• A long-time friend who was treated like part of the family, shared holidays and life’s milestones with us, and with whom we had walked through tragedy and triumph simply wrote us off… walked away without a goodbye or explanation and cut off contact.
• A man I once saw as a potential future leader, a close personal friend and confidant, barely speaks to me now, and then only the socially necessary polite responses.
• People who expect (almost demand) that you attend their family graduations, birthday celebrations, and gatherings, and who expect you to be on call 24/7 to attend to their needs, and who have had your prayers, tears, comfort and support through hospitalizations, surgeries, marriages, divorces, births, deaths, triumphs and tragedies will miss your families’ important events and ignore your milestones.
It sound petty and whiney, doesn’t it, to see these things in writing? But leaders have feelings. Leaders need friends — REAL friends to whom they can vent, complain, and be real. Be that friend to a leader. Allow them to be genuine and let their hair down around you. Keep their confidences. Allow them to fail and still love them. Defend them to their critics. Stand by them even when you don’t understand. Don’t allow your leaders to be lonely.